This is going to be my first movie review, so if this seems in any way mediocre, that's probably why. And don't expect any reviews for the other movies (except Hell Verse when it comes here). Welp, here we go!
We start off with Captain Mayuri completing his latest nameless experiment, when he's attacked by some guy and goes even more insane than before. He starts flailing his sword all over the place and breaks his computer, and an alarm goes off all around the Soul Society. Then Mayuri's lab cums all over the Soul Society, and Kenpachi gets swallowed by it after starting a fight with Mayuri.
Meanwhile, Rukia gets attacked by the villains because otherwise, there wouldn't be much of a plot.
After the title screen, we cut to Ichigo and Kon (remember him?) back in the World of the Living. Apparently, Rukia left behind a note that Kon can't decipher. Neither can Ichigo, and he seems to have forgotten who Rukia is... because when someone saves your family and gives you superpowers YOU FORGET THEM IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, AMIRITEGAIZ?!
But then, he has a dream and remembers who Rukia is again because... plot. So Ichigo deciphers the note due to rediscovered familiarity with Rukia's code, and it says that she'll be gone a couple of days.
So anyway, Ichigo goes to Kisuke's shop to try to learn what's happening, but he can't remember Rukia either. And yet he sends Ichigo to Soul Society, which would require full knowledge that he's a Soul Reaper. What.
So, when Ichigo and Kon* land in Soul Society, they see that the jizz has hardened around everything it swallowed and sees Lieutenant 69, Shuhei, talking with some generic Soul Reapers. But since this movie can't seems to go five minutes without some action, A WILD JIZZ DRAGON APPEARED! So, for literally no reason, Ichigo goes Bankai and puts on his mask to slice through the splooge, but it just regenerates, but with two heads! It then attacks Lieutenant Omaeda and his squad of generics.
So then, Shuhei's squad attacks Ichigo upon hearing his name, and Ichigo questions this a little, then runs away. Suddenly, because he's a "main" character, RENJI APPEARS!
|Ichigo: "LET'S YELL AT EACH OTHER TO MAKE THE MOVIE AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE!"|
Renji: "Durr, okay."
Ichigo tells Renji that Rukia must be in danger, but Renji just has a blank expression and, after some faint black-'n'-white flashbkacs, attacks once again. Of course, since Ichigo's in Bankai, he knocks Renji away. But then Captain Furry shows up, uses Bankai, and slices Ichigo halfway across the universe.
Meanwhile, Rukia wakes up without too much memory and is greeted by her attackers from the beginning. Let's introduce ourselves to these two, shall we?
|"I'm clingy, jealous, and totally not a lesbian!"|
|"I'm pale, don't talk much, and totally don't cut myself..."|
Elsewhere, the Squad Captains (or, the seven that are remaining) have a meeting regarding the newest "intruder", a.k.a. Ichigo. Speaking of, what's he up to? He's in the sewers, being healed by Hanataro, who seems to remember having healed him before, but can't put his finger on it.
Back with Rukia and the Generic Movie Duo, they're talking with Rukia and helping her recover when Rukia takes out the note she had at the beginning of the movie, and Blondy makes... this face...
|Seriously, what the fuck?!|
Then, Rukia asks why there's no signature on the note, and Blondy says that neither of them have no names. Apparently, long ago, they were children who Rukia looked after in the Rukon District, and she was supposed to give them names, but then... she didn't. Unfortunately, Rukia starts having a seizure or something and... the next scene starts.
Byakuya's in his mansion walking through, like, 90 billion doors, until he comes to his secret stalker shrine for his dead wife, Hisana. Ichigo shows up and starts talking to him about Rukia, but then guards burst out of the walls, and Renji appears again. Ichigo goes into Bankai, and Renji's confused when Ichigo tells him to use Bankai. Thus, he wins in one hit because he's the main character. Byakuya then stops all the fighting and tells Ichigo that Hisana used to live in the "Hanging Dog" district of Rukon.
Back with Rukia, she's on top of a rooftop with Blondy and talks about how she feels like a stranger in her own hometown, when she sees Sokyoku Hill. Meanwhile, back with Renji, he's recovering from Ichigo kicking his ass when non-sexy Zabimaru shows up to insult him.
|WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE BEEN THE HALF NAKED CHICK IF YOU|
WERE GOING TO MAKE A CAMEO, DAMMIT?!?!
Byakuya then flashbacks to a conversation he had with Hisana when she was terminally ill, complete with the most fake coughing ever, and wonders what she was looking for. Back with Ichigo and Kon, they're walking through the Rukon District when they see Rukia on a hill. She doesn't remember them, and the creepy stalkers attack Ichigo, then leave a minute later.
Meanwhile, Kisuke visits Mayuri in his cell at the asylum with A FUCKING BRAIN.
|WHY?! JUST... WHY?!|
Somewhere else, Ichigo is angsting about how Rukia doesn't remember him, so Kon, reminding Ichigo that he was the only one who remembered Rukia when everyone forgot about her, goes to find her himself. The Disturbing Duo then bring Rukia back to their house, where she continues to have seizures, and Blondy swears to destroy the Soul Reapers.
Ichigo then has a flashback about Rukia righting the note, and Kon comes back to steal it. Ichigo decides to stop angsting, but since there hasn't been any fanservice in a while, 3 more challengers approach!
So then Ichigo acts like the situation is under control, and owns Ikkaku before Toshiro freezes him with his Shikai. Renji then shows up and frees him, apparently "following his soul" now. 'Cause that's totally not an awkward attempt to avoid saying "follow my heart". Anyway, the other captains show up and it looks like Ichigo and Renji are screwed (yeah right), when Kisuke shows up to save them.
Elsewhere, the Stalker Siblings are taking Rukia into the Soul Society and talking about how they'll do anything to have her. Back with the Soul Reapers, Kisuke tells Ichigo and Renji that Rukia's in danger and they leave. Captain Crazy Ninja Bitch, Soi Fon, goes to stop them but the Yoruichi shows up and stops her, as well as starting to explain what's going on.
Meanwhile, Ichigo and Renji are in the Rukon DIstrict... for some reason... when Renji suddenly kind of remembers Rukia because... plot. Elsewhere, Kisuke explains what's been going on. This is where it begins to get weird, so pay attention.
Kisuke says that when he was in charge of Squad 12, he was researching this Hollow that possessed spirits and could shear away the memories of its host using it's sickle shaped tail. However, it could only erase enough memories to completely destroy someone's existence if it was inside something powerful enough. Kisuke, prepared as ever, had a log of all his customers so he could bypass that problem, and the reason nobody forgot about Mayuri was because he constantly makes BACKUP BRAINS.
Back with Ichigo and Renji, they're having no luck finding Rukia, so Renji suggests searching for her Spirit Ribbon (remember those?). Renji's reasoning is, since Rukia gave Ichigo her powers, their spiritual composition must be similar. So Ichigo tries it, and, due to Plotkai, it works perfectly.
Meanwhile, over at Mayuri's lab, the obvious villains activate the Jizz Machine again, and Rukia wakes up. Blondy explains (rather flimsily) that they want to destroy the Soul Reapers, and then has a mental breakdown, summoning more Jizz creatures.
Over with Ichigo and Renji, Renji takes care of the Cum Dragons, and uses his Bankai to take the both of them to Rukia quicker. All while Number One is playing in the background. BAD. ASS.
Meanwhile, Blondy's still breaking down, cursing Soul Reapers and shit, when Ichigo and Renji burst through the wall as casually as possible.
|"Don't mind us. Just passing through"|
So Blondy yells a little, Rukia asks Ichigo's name and when he tells her, she remembers. Blondy goes batshit at this and the Dynamic Duo then fuse with Rukia creating DARK RUKIA!!!
|The trailers and back of the box TOTALLY didn't spoil this.|
So then, she makes the Jizz Maker go haywire, and starts to fight Ichigo, as Renji gets covered in cum. The spirit seed then goes up towards the sky, and creates a gigantic jizz monster. As Ichigo continues fighting DARK RUKIA in the destroyed lab, the captains and lieutenants start attacking the monster. Badass moments occur, and Ikkaku gets knocked into Jizz-Covered Kenpachi. As they get attacked, Kenpachi's eyepatch falls off, and shit REALLY starts to go down.
Meanwhile, Ichigo's having trouble fighting DARK RUKIA, because he knows Rukia's still in there somewhere. Then her eyes turn completely black. With the Captains, they're trying to come up with a plan to destroy Cummy McGee when Byakuya volunteers to destroy the Jizz Machine. More badass shit happens involving the captains now.
Over with Ichigo, DARK RUKIA's still kicking his ass, but the Byakuya uses Rikujokoro on her and prepares to finish her off. Renji says her spiritual pressure's turning into a Hollow's and there's now hope for her now, but Ichigo remembers that she once shared her powers with him. So he proceeds to do the same thing. As the Rikujokoro fades, Ichigo STABS RUKIA IN THE STOMACH, which somehow destroys the Hollow inside her, seperates her from the siblings, and DOESN'T KILL HER.
|THERE'S CLEARLY BLOOD! WHAT THE FUCK!!|
Okay, anyway, Renji and Byakuya destroy the Splooge Maker, and everyone's memories turn back to normal. Rukia even remembers why the siblings haven't been around for so long: A Soul Reaper possessed with the Hollow attack them, Rukia tried to protect them, and the Hollow nearly possessed her. Just then, Blondy stabbed the Reaper with his sword, and he took it and cut the kids down. Apparently, Rukia lost her memory of the event because the Hollow's sickle... touched her mouth briefly?
So Rukia gives them thier names, Homura (Blondy) and Shizuku (Emo), and they die. Rukia has a mental breakdown, then, because this was just a movie, forgets about them during the credits.
So, this is a pretty good movie. Sure, there are plot holes and the movie is mostly brief moments of fanservice (especially towards the end), but if you can look past all that, this is a pretty decent movie. I rank it as the best Bleach movie in America so far (Obviously don't know about Hell Verse yet).
Sorry to say there won't be a Bleach Recap this week. This can be a kind of replacement for it, though.
HBM, signing out!
* I would complain that he didn't bring Uryu, Chad, or Orihime, but it actually makes sense. Without Rukia in their lives, they wouldn't remember Ichigo's powers at all, and Orihime and Chad would think he's going insane when he tries to explain their powers. They actually avoided a lot of grief by forgetting some of the major characters!