9/07/2012

Bleach Recaps Ep. 269: Insert Immature Episode Number Joke Here

Holy lord,I'm late with this. Fucking school, existing and making me unable to do things because THEY REFUSE TO GIVE ME MY LAPTOP SERIOUSLY!!!!

Okay... onto the actual recap. We have time for my bitching in other posts...

Sorry I couldn't recap the episode previous to this, I was in New York that week. Basically, Ichigo and Ulquiorra fought some more, Loly and Menoly tried to murder Orihime again, Yammy got rid of them, and Uryu saved Hime from Yammy. Now that you're caught up, let's get ready to RECAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!

Heads up: This is pretty much the best episode since Shuhei vs. Findor. Seriously.
We start where we last left off; with Yammy falling down like the huge retard* he is. Uryu gives a huge boring explanation of ow he got there, but Yammy wants none of that and tries to squish the nerd. Uryu goes through the hole that the Incredible Hulk (as he is now known in these recaps) made in the previous episode, who then follows him down, resulting in the start of yet another fight.

Meanwhile, Rudobone is still having his Exequias respawn endlessly due to his mystical Call of Duty powers. His strategy is a simple, yet effective, one: spawn these needless dickholes until Rukia's too exhausted to fight. I gotta say, he gets points for actually having a brain, unlike certain other Arrancars that could be mentioned. *COUGHCOUGHABIRAMACOUGHYAMMYCOUGHLOLYANDMENOLYCOUGHCOUGH*

You guys had best not steal Rudobone's kill...

Meanwhile, the fight between The Hulk and Uryu is heating up. Hulk is too slow to be able to smash Uryu, while the Arrowlad can gradually get some hits in a few at a time. Too bad they don't do shit. Uryu then takes out a Seele-Schneider and thinks about Ichigo, who's continuing to struggle with Ulquiorra upstairs. He then shoots Yammy in the chest with his pocket knife of doom, which finally seems to have an effect. However, he just pulls it out and uses a Cero on Uryu.

Cut back to Rukes and Rude. Same shit, yadda yadda. However, one guy jumps onto Rukia's sword, causing... this shot.

Hanataro must be so jealous...

The other bullfighters then try to skewer this interracial** couple, but Renji and Chad come in at the last second like I knew they would. Rukia and Renji then engage in Annoying Anime Cliche #42: Screaming At Each Other In An Attempt To Provide Comic Relief. God, kill the person who came up with this...

It turns out Uryu survived the Cero and Hulk throws the pocket knife into the ground. Uryu then startes shooting "randomly" in a really obvious set up to Sprenger. Yammy falls for it like a Heavy Lourde falls on Homsar. He then stumbles into a landmine Mayuri gave Uryu and falls into... the Void?

Yammy's screwed. Anger and hatred cannot defeat ExDeath.
Uryu then joins Ichigo where he is to protect Orihime. Ichigo then puts on his Hollow mask which, by the power of Plotkai, is now strong enough to start to crack Ulq's sword and block a Cero with no harm. So the Emo Clown does the logical thing: Cut's a hole in the "ceiling" of Las Noches because, as he puts it, the Resurreccion of an Espada above the rank of 5 is strong enough to destroy Las Noches... because that's a logical reason to continue fighting ON TOP OF LAS NOCHES. Whatever, Ulquiorra makes it rain green and reveals his Resurreccion...

"I'm Batman."
With Ulq being my favorite Bleach character, I naturally fan-gasmed here, but I'll spare you the massive essay that is the representation of that. Instead, just view this video a billion times to get a small percentage of my reaction hammered into your brain.

Okay, so Ulq creates an energy spear and nearly beheads Ichigo, but says that the reason he couldn't was that "Ichigo reacted with Getsuga." Yup, that's how hawt Ulq's release is.

And, because the writers have raging boners for cliffhangers, that's where we end. Will Ichigo be able to defeat this more powerful foe? Will you not read the manga, which would spoil it? Would those of you who read the manga not spoil it in the comments? These questions, and more, will probably not be answered in the next exciting episode of Bleach!
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* Yeah, I used the word retard instead of moron. It's just a word, people. Just because mental retardation is a legitimate problem doesn't mean we can't still joke about it. I mean, look at 9/11, Michael Jackson's death, and Square Enix having their heads up their asses.

** Would it be called interracial? Intersoulial? This is confusing?

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