Bleach Recaps: Ep. 270: The Hottest Episode Ever

Have I ever told you guys how much I love Ulquiorra? Obviously not, unless you're my brain. He's pretty much my favorite anime character in the history of anything ever. And this episode is all about him pummelling the shit out of Ichigo. Therefore, this is my favorite episode of anything ever. Hence this Recap's title. Let's not waste any more time, and get rolling!
When we last left off, Ichigo had just had part of his mask cut off by the newly Dark-Knightified Ulquiorra. Ulq proceeds to taunt Ichigo, then tosses his energy spear at him. Ichigo dodges, but another spear was thrown, and the force of it going past him knocks him back. Ulq proceeds to rush him as Uryu and Orihime are feeling the effects of this battle back in the building they were in. Ulq goads Ichigo into firing his Getsuga to prove his new superiority. Ichigo, always the hotheaded moron in battle, proceeds to do so, to no effect. Ulquiorra then shows off his black Cero that only "Espadas in Resurreccion can do," even though he's the only one who ever does it. Whatever, Cero Oscuras looks hot, and even manages to destroy Ichigo's entire mask!

Orihime and Uryu continue feeling the tremors from Ulq's unbelievable Sexiness level, and Hime asks Uryu to bring her up to the rooftop. We then get a strange self narration from Uryu, like something out of Final Fantasy X, even though this had never happened before. What the fuck, Kubo?! Explain!!

Back where things make sense, all of Ichigo's blood from the manga has been sensored into a fuckload of tiny cuts, like usual, and Ulquiorra bitch slaps him into a pillar. As he berates Ichigo, the Soul Reaper tries to prepare an attack, prompting the only time we get any actual emotion from EmoBat, as he yells "I TOLD YOU IT'S USELESS" and kicks Ichigo away. After knocking Ichigo around some more, Ulquiorra decides he hasn't made this episode sexy enough and decides to show Ichigo "true despair."

As Uryu and Orihime are heading up to the roof using Hirenkyaku, Ulq's Spiritual Pressure looms around them. Uryu comments that it feels as though an ocean is in the sky(?) from it's density. Of course, If I knew I was approaching this much hotness, that's how I'd feel too. Up above, we see Ulquiorra's new form: Resurreccion Segunda Etapa.

I would add a caption, but I fangasmed so hard that I died.
Hot-quiorra explains that he's the only Arrancar with this form, and not even Aizen has seen it. When Ichigo continues to try to fight and says that he has to win, this happens.

Awesome new Olympic sport idea: The Ichigo Put.
So Ulq knocks him through more buildings, hot music plays, Ichigo refuses to die, you know all of this. After a few minutes of this, Uryu and Orihime finally reach the roof, just as Ulquiorra is preparing the finishing blow. As he notices Hime, he comments on how he'll finish her hero, she gives a hilariously bad scream, and we hear a Cero sound.

So, yeah, this was the best episode of anything ever, as I said already. However, if you spoiled what happens next, you know that, in my opinion, these next couple episodes will be the biggest tragedy in the history of anime ever. Stay tuned for the next recap. Until then, here's Ulquiorra giving the hottest stare ever.

I would give anything for him to stare at me like that...
HBM, signing out!

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