6/05/2013

HBM's Top 10 Video Game Assholes

So, you know how there are different types of video game characters? From the stoic badass, to the hot-blooded kid, to the mysterious hot chick? Well, there's one type of character that's persisted through all forms of media: the asshole. You know, the guy who just wants things his way, doesn't give a damn about anything else, and is just plain unpleasant?* Well, I'm going to list the top 10 video game assholes here! Be aware of spoilers, and only video games that I've played. Now let's get rolling.

#10: Hades (Kid Icarus: Uprising)


Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: "Why is Hades so low if he's such a douche?!" That's for one simple reason: he has so much fun with it. He may be trying to take over the world with an army of the dead harvested from wars that he started. And yes, he makes the most awful jokes and threats about all his actions throughout the game. But he's so hilarious and over the top that it's impossible not to love him. He even congratulates you (not Pit, YOU) upon beating the game! So yeah, he may be a douche, but he's our douche. And I'll take that any day.

#9: Super Macho Man (Punch-Out!!)


Yeah, somehow a boxer (albeit a very ripped, tough boxer) comes higher than a literal GOD. Eh, whatever. Super Macho Man embodies what's wrong with America these days: he's an obnoxious cocky snob who uses outdated, stupid slang and looks down on everyone just because they have less money/status than him. And that's why we all love him so much.

#8: Senator Steven Armstrong (Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance)


Well, he's a politician, so that already got him onto the list (badum-tsh!). Seriously though, Armstrong wants to basically destroy America with war. He sees everything as weak and below him, and is hiding behind politics to justify it. And even if he didn't hide, he has the power to back himself up, thanks to his nanomachines.** Also, he's so emotionally detached from the world that he doesn't even react when his hand is severed. But he's the kind of guy you love to hate.

#7: Zoran Lazarevic (Uncharted 2: Among Thieves)


Oh hey, a war criminal on the list. What a shock. Anyway, Lazarevic makes this list because he will do anything to reach his goal (which is, you guessed it, absolute power). He kills innocent people for no reason, massacres a village to find one man, kills one of his soldiers who was taken hostage, and finds Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Kahn to be inspirations. And yet... he's also a super-badass.

#6: Vergil (DmC: Devil May Cry)


Yeah, you would think New Dante would be here, but New Vergil is even worse in my opinion. He doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself, he basically used Dante and Kat to further his plans, and feels that despite all of this, he's the righteous one. And then in his DLC he starts bitching about everyone "betraying" him, when that's basically what he did. Yeah.

#5: Zobek (Castlevania: Lords of Shadow)


Oh, I know what you're thinking: "HBM, Zobek helped Gabriel all throughout his quest and is going to redeem himself in Lords of Shadow 2!" Well, that argument's invalid here. Zobek orchestrated the events of the game behind the scenes, manipulating Gabriel into killing his wife, Claudia, the Black Knight, and the other Lords of Shadow so he could gain the absolute power of the God's Mask. And yes, I know Satan was actually behind all of that, but we don't get to see enough of him in the game to get a sense of who he is, whereas with Zobek, he turns the events of the game on their head at the last minute. Hell, he almost kills Gabriel in the end! Hard to believe he's only #5...

#4: Shao Kahn (Mortal Kombat)

Okay, now we're getting to the real assholes. First of all, he's trying to conquer all realms and go against the gods. Second, he manipulates anybody he needs to in any way. Third, he's completely indifferent to having most of his servants die. Finally, most importantly, he is one of the cheapest motherfuckers to appear in a video game to date. No love here, just pure hate.

#3: Kratos (God of War)


Kratos is probably the poster child of video game assholes. He doesn't let anything stop him from achieving his goals, and will resort to violence right away. He tears through everything and climbs out of Hell like nobodies business, and his actions caused the world to go into chaos. But of course, he we have to root for him, if only for the fact that he deserves a happy ending after all the shit he's been through.

#2: Ghetsis (Pokemon)


Oh boy... where to begin? Well, to start off, he wants to take over the world with Pokemon, as is typical of all the evil team leaders in these games. However, the route he takes is more peculiar. He convinces others that Pokemon want to be free, and then takes them for himself. As if that wasn't bad enough, his son, N, isn't even his son and Ghetsis doesn't even see him as a human. Plus, he's an abusive fucker to his Pokemon, which is as far from N as you can get. And to top it all off, he's the first Pokemon villain to explicitly try to have you killed, when he commands Kyurem to freeze you to death! You can't get much worse than this guy. Unless you're...

#1: Chakravartin (Asura's Wrath)


When I was debating with myself who deserved to get on the list from this game most between Olga, Sergei, and Deus, and thinking about their motives, I realized something: they wouldn't need those motives without Chakravartin. And no, not just because he created the universe; but because he also created the Gohma, intentionally, for the sole purpose of finding an heir. In the process of this, the Gohma took who-knows-how-many lives, which caused the Seven Deities to take extreme measures and start nuking everything, taking even more lives. So all those deaths are actually on this guy's hands.*** But no, it doesn't stop there: it actually gets worse. After Asura rejects his offer, Chakravartin decides he needs to remake the universe, which would kill/destroy everyone and everything in the current one. And in the process of this, he brings the previously destroyed Gohma back and lets them run amok. And during the whole final fight, he's constantly fucking with Asura's emotions and using Mithra as a human (Demigod? Whatever...) shield. And after Asura rejects his offer of becoming God, he just goes into a massive bitch-fit instead of fucking off. I really hope God isn't actually anything like this, because that would make Him the ultimate asshole.

Well, there you have it. The Top 10 Video game Assholes. If you disagree with me, the nuke should be reaching your current destination right about... humdeedum... NOW.

Yeah, that'll teach YOU to be wrong about things!
HBM, signing out.
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* Heh, kinda describes me... wait a minute...

**Son.

***All 16 of them... what?

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