8/26/2013

HBM's Top 10 Worst Video Game Characters

Oh hey, I'm posting. But it's just because I'm in New York at the moment. I still won't be able to post regularly again until I get my school laptop back.

Anyway, there are so many hated characters in video games. And I'm counting down the Top Ten of what I feel to be these in video games. Like always, only games I've played. Also, possible spoilers for quite a few games, and this list is always subject to change.
#10: Toad (Mario)


Yes, Toad has certainly earned his hate. Many gamers were pissed when they defeated Bowser, only for this little shit to tell them the princess was in another castle. Seven times. Then, once voices were introduced for the characters, Toad got the most high pitched, screechy voice imaginable. Even to this day, Toad isn't very helpful. It's kind of pathetic when the most useful you've been is as a shield move in the Smash Bros. series...

#9: Sindel (Mortal Kombat)


If you played MK9, you should know the bullshit that was Sindel one-shotting most of the heroes.
Including a recently cyberfied Sub Zero! That's enough to earn you more hate than Toad, in my opinion.

#8: Patroklos Alexander (Soul Calibur)


Patroklos is a whiny prick. He constantly complains about the whole "missing sister" thing and is just plain unpleasant to everyone but said sister. In the beginning of the game, he slaughters innocent people just because he was told to, without any questioning! Patroklos? More like... dumb poopy butt... (I'm so sorry you had to see this...)

#7: Slippy Toad (Star Fox)


Oh. My. GOD. This freakin' toad. Not only does he have an annoyingly high pitched voice, but he's completely useless as well. He constantly gets into trouble during space-shooty-fights, and you have to bail him out. Honestly, Slippy would be higher if he didn't analyze the boss's HP.

#6: Dante (DmC: Devil May Cry)


Kind of ironic that two different versions of one character would be in both my Top Ten Badasses and Worst Characters, huh? Anyway, New Dante tries to be awesome like the original, but just ends up acting like a total tool. He's a prick, he uses too much profanity in an attempt to seem "edgey," he looks like a druggie, and according to the opening cutscene, is an alcoholic who engages in violent sex with demon prostitutes. Though he does get better as the story progresses, it's safe to say this new Dante is not going to be looked on fondly.

#5: The Camera Guy (Earthbound)


If there's one thing I hate with a burning passion, it's interruptions. So imagine my rage whenever this fucker pops up! At completely random times on the overworld, this guy will spin down from the sky, spout some unskippable text, and spin away. It doesn't take long, but it's goddamn irritating. And sometimes, he'll pull this shit within mere minutes of the last time he did! GO THE FUCK AWAY, I'M SAVING THE WORLD HERE!

#4: Omochao (Sonic)


It's the character nobody asked for, Omochao. In Sonic Adventure 2, if you so much is slightly nudge him, he'll go into a huge tutorial speech basically saying "HEREZ WAT U HAV 2 DU LOL K BAI" even when it was extremely obvious. At least you can pick him up and throw him into pits and enemies. :D

#3: Hope Estheim (Final Fantasy XIII)


It was fairly difficult for me to choose a specific Final Fantasy character for this list, considering how much truly awful characters the series has. However, I think this spot should go to Hope. Why? Because he does nothing but whine and complain about how Snow let his mom die, he's now a L'cie, and Pizza Hut overcooked his pie. Though he is a somewhat useful mage, and from what I've heard, he gets better in XIII-2 (that's a legitimate surprise, considering the rest of the game).

#2: Tingle (Legend of Zelda)


I shouldn't have to explain why Tingle is #1 here, but I probably should for those of you stupid enough to have never played a Zelda game. First of all, he's ugly. I mean, look at him! He's obsessed with fairies to the point that he thinks he himself is one. He has this really annoying magic chant that does absolutely nothing. But he gets really bad in Wind Waker.

There, when you first meet him, he's in jail (where he belongs)! When you break him out and go to his island, he's forcing his own brother (and some other guy) into slave labor 24/7! And then, he has the balls to charge 400 rupees to decipher the maps that are ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO COMPLETE THE GAME.*

Then, in Four Swords Adventures, if there's a large amount of Force Gems on the screen, the fucker will show up and attempt to steal them! I NEED THOSE YOU CUNT!! He even invades Smash Bros! He's in Melee as a background character on Termina Bay (though you can pop his balloon and drown him) and in Brawl, he's an assist trophy that does nothing or, worse, zooms the screen in on one character! Nintendo, please, KILL THIS ABOMINATION.

#1: Huey Emmerich (Metal Gear Solid)


I know what you're thinking: Huey's basically just like his son, Otacon, right? Well, there's some heavy Metal Gear Solid V spoilers coming at ya, so there's your warning.

In Peace Walker, yes, Huey basically is just like Otacon, just paralyzed. But in MGSV, it's revealed that he allowed XOF onto the Mother Base to destroy it back in Ground Zeroes. Not only that, but before you take him to the new Mother Base, he tried to have a 2-year-old Hal pilot the new Metal Gear, Sahelanthropus, like a child soldier, and when his wife Strangelove objected, Huey trapped her inside the Boss AI Pod to suffocate to death!

It gets worse. When you destroy Sahelanthropus, and Skull Face is laying there in a pool of his own blood thanks to Snake and Miller, Huey is the one that finishes the job, and rather than being upset that he killed someone, he cheers! And later, he unleashes a mutated strain of the vocal cord parasites into the Quarantine Platform, forcing Snake to kill his own soldiers, and Huey has the balls to call Snake a monster for this! After all that bullshit, it is so satisfying to see Miller and Ocelot real all the shit Huey has done and kick him off the base, with all your soldiers as an angry mob trying to kill him.

And that's my list of the worst characters in video games.If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go murder some things.

HBM, signing out.
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*Thankfully, they're doing away with this in the Wii U version by making the Triforce shards just be in the chests where their charts originally were. That means I don't have to break Tingle out! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

... Oh wait, I'm gonna need that Pictobox. SHIT!

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