10/11/2013

HBM's Top Ten Biggest Mistakes Square Enix Has Made

Hey guys. You remember Square Enix? Yeah, they made some awesome games back in the day. However, Square's glory days have been over for years. For quite some time, they've been bending us all over and raping us up the ass with their terrible ideas, horrendous games, and suicidal business practices. And I'm going to list the Top Ten of those here!

#10: Vaan

FUCKING-
Yeah yeah, I've already talked about how much dick Vaan sucks in my Top Ten FF Mistakes, so I'll keep this short. Basically, Vaan was created at the last minute because "DA JAPINEEZ TEENAJURZ NEEDZ DA PRITEE BOIZ TO LIEK GAEM MAEK MUNEEZ LULZ." And thanks to that, we got one of the most forgettable, hatable, generic protagonists ever. Thanks, Japanese teenage fuckheads. Thanks.

#9: KHIII and Versus XIII Taking Forever

Even Noctis is impatient at this point...
So, you know how Square announced Final Fantasy Versus XIII alongside XIII and Type-0 in 2006? Well, it's been 7 years since then, and they're only just finishing up development. I mean, what the fuck?! These games were apparently supposed to be a "saga" of some sort, but considering how horrendous XIII and XIII-2 were, it may be a good thing this game is getting more distanced from those.

And that's not all. Tetsuya Nomura has been saying for years that Kingdom Hearts III will be the end of "The Xehanort Saga" and that there's still a lot more to do with Sora & pals. Well, it's been 8 years since KHII was released and WE STILL DON'T HAVE KHIII! I mean, seriously, why?! And then, they decided "WELL LET'S JUST NOT FUCKING START DEVELOPMENT ON KHIII UNTIL WE'RE DONE WITH VERSUS XIII LULZ BUSINESS DECISIONS RITE GAIZ!"

The reason this isn't as high up the list as it should be is that at E3 this year, Square announced that Versus XIII was finishing up development and was renamed Final Fantasy XV, and they announced the KHIII finally began development. So, y'know, there's that.

#8: They're Doing Nothing With the Chrono Franchise

So, uh, Square, REMEMBER THIS?!
If you ask someone what the best RPG on the SNES is, chances are, they'll say it's Chrono Trigger. Likewise, it's sequel Chrono Cross is one of the most confusing, terrible games on the PS1. Okay, fine, the first game still has fans. Which bears the question: WHY IS SQUARE IGNORING ONE OF THEIR MOST BELOVED FRANCHISES?! I mean, other than the DS remake, Chrono has been left out to die! Why not try this shit again, Square? Go back and see what made you RPG GODS back in the day!

#7: Final Fantasy X HD Taking Over 2 Years

It better be worth the wait...
So, in 2011, Square announced an HD version of FFX for it's 10th anniversary. Okay, that's cool. FFX with better graphics and trophies? I'm down with that. However, this was mitigated by the fact that IT'S TAKEN THEM OVER 2 YEARS TO MAKE THE DAMN THING! I mean, it should have taken 8 months, tops! I mean, maybe the fact that the X-2 HD is being done alongside it may make sense, but it shouldn't take 2 years after announcement to make an HD remaster! Just... no!

#6: The Original FFXIV

Ugh...
Yeah, I think we all remember this abomination. While I didn't play it, I heard it was so horrendous I shouldn't bother. It turned out to be so bad that Square had to issue a public apology and allow everyone to play the shitty version for a year free while they fixed it. Just... wow.

#5: No FFVII Remake Yet

IT'S SO GLORIOUS! <3
Square, you knew what you were getting into with this one. So, when the PS3 was close to release, Square did that Tech Demo thing that companies do to show off how their games will look in the new generation. For the PS3, they decided to remake the opening cutscene of Final Fantasy VII in HD. Obviously, the fans went nuts. They started spreading rumors and asking about an HD FFVII. But Square has refused to comment on it, and when they do, the comments usually point to an FFVII HD remake not happening any time in the foreseeable future. So, um, fuck you, Square. It's your most glorious game, and you're trying not to make money with it? Just... ugh...

#4: The iOS port of Theatrhythm

So much lost potential...
You guys remember Theatrhythm, right? That Final Fantasy music game for the 3DS? It was fun, and Square decided to port it to iOS. Seems like a good idea, but there were some problems. First off, barely any of the game is unlocked at the beginning. Second, the rest of the game costs money for a total of about $150. And finally, they had the gall to put exclusive content for the iOS version that I fucking wanted (i.e. Balthier, Advent: One Winged Angel, etc)! Square, never do this shit again!

#3: The World Ends With You Countdown Site

*seizure of anger*

I already did a post on this tragedy when it happened. But to clarify for those of you who don't remember: Square suddenly put up a TWEWY website with a countdown of 7 days. So obviously, all us fans were pumped. Then the iOS port was leaked to the world, and the translator was all like "Nah, it's cool, bro. The site's something else." But then he turned out to be a fucking troll, because, guess what, THE COUNTDOWN SITE WAS FOR THE FUCKING IOS PORT. And then the translator was all like "You drew your own conclusions" EVEN THOUGH HE HAD SAID THE SITE WAS SOMETHING ELSE! Just... this asshole can burn in Hell. Now.

#2: Announcing Caius As The Strongest FF Villain

NOPE
Okay, so people have been debating for years who the most powerful Final Fantasy villain is. Well, FFXIII-2 has the answer, because it's the villain from that piece of shit, Caius Ballad. But there's something wrong here, hmm, what was it? Oh yeah HE'S A FUCKING PUSSY. From what I've heard, Caius spends just about the entire game bitching about his dead girlfriend, then cheating death a billion times due to DURR TIEM PURADUX. Because, y'know, there's no other villains who could possibly deserve to be called better. Hell, I'd sooner accept the Dark Elf from FFI as the most powerful villain over this fucknut! What a douche.

#1: Final Fantasy XIII-2 and Lightning Returns

NO! NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
This was the worst idea ever. Final Fantasy XIII was mediocre at best, so it most definitely didn't warrant a sequel, let alone two of them! And XIII-2 was a piece of shit, with time travel, a horrendous amount of DLC, and the worst "ending" this side of Return of the Jedi! And even after this massive failure, they decided to still go through with another sequel! While Lightning Returns isn't out yet, I can guarantee you it will suck just as bad as XIII-2.

So yeah. Square's being fucking retarded. If they don't get their shit together, they're going to fall into forgettable video game mediocrity, like Atari.

HBM signing out.

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